Death is a morbid thing to think about but unfortunately, or fortunately, we all die some day. It could be tomorrow or it could be 80 years from now but we all end up the same way. When you reflect on your life over however many years you have lived, how will it be summed up? Will others mourn you and miss you or will your death not be noticed at all?
This thought has made me rethink how I live my life. Over the past few years (ok, the past 10 years), I have dealt with depression. I'm not talking about the occasional blues or the "everyone hates me" type of deal. It was the real thing. The depression was so severe at times that I thought about ending it all. That's a full disclosure for you. It started in high school from what I remember and has lasted this long. And I never did anything about it. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could will the depression away. But you can't just will it away. So, I just stayed angry and sad for 10 years. 10 long, loooong years of pushing people away and probably ruining more relationships than I can count.
Finally, I realized that I can't live in the dark anymore. I want to be a part of my children's lives and I want to be there mentally and enjoy my life. I spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and hatred that I was missing the most wonderful pieces of my children's childhood. I want to earn the name "mom" from my kids and I was not going to be a passive parent in their lives.
Fast forward to today. It has been a few months of some serious soul searching, therapy, medication, and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. There are still many, many issues that need to be addressed about multiple things. There are things I need to say to people and they will never be able to hear them. But, you know what? I am present in my life now. And I am not going to take it for granted because I refuse to be that woman that no one misses when she dies. I want to be a ray of sunshine that brightens up people's days and the shoulder to cry on if needed. I want to be that parent that is active in her children's lives. And when I die, whether it is tomorrow or 70 years from now, I want to be known for something other than my depression.
On a side note in the event that I do die, which isn't going to be anytime soon if I can help it, if you wear black to my funeral, I will come back and haunt you. There better be shots of jager and some serious partying going on. And beer pong, because I've still never played that yet. Someone teach me how to play that stupid game, please?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Just letting it all go.
The past is an interesting thing to think about. The past is what helps create who you are and yet there are times which you want to just be able to let it go. All of the events that a person goes through helps mold them into their present self. From the good to the bad, each event makes a mark in our brains.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
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