Death is a morbid thing to think about but unfortunately, or fortunately, we all die some day. It could be tomorrow or it could be 80 years from now but we all end up the same way. When you reflect on your life over however many years you have lived, how will it be summed up? Will others mourn you and miss you or will your death not be noticed at all?
This thought has made me rethink how I live my life. Over the past few years (ok, the past 10 years), I have dealt with depression. I'm not talking about the occasional blues or the "everyone hates me" type of deal. It was the real thing. The depression was so severe at times that I thought about ending it all. That's a full disclosure for you. It started in high school from what I remember and has lasted this long. And I never did anything about it. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could will the depression away. But you can't just will it away. So, I just stayed angry and sad for 10 years. 10 long, loooong years of pushing people away and probably ruining more relationships than I can count.
Finally, I realized that I can't live in the dark anymore. I want to be a part of my children's lives and I want to be there mentally and enjoy my life. I spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and hatred that I was missing the most wonderful pieces of my children's childhood. I want to earn the name "mom" from my kids and I was not going to be a passive parent in their lives.
Fast forward to today. It has been a few months of some serious soul searching, therapy, medication, and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. There are still many, many issues that need to be addressed about multiple things. There are things I need to say to people and they will never be able to hear them. But, you know what? I am present in my life now. And I am not going to take it for granted because I refuse to be that woman that no one misses when she dies. I want to be a ray of sunshine that brightens up people's days and the shoulder to cry on if needed. I want to be that parent that is active in her children's lives. And when I die, whether it is tomorrow or 70 years from now, I want to be known for something other than my depression.
On a side note in the event that I do die, which isn't going to be anytime soon if I can help it, if you wear black to my funeral, I will come back and haunt you. There better be shots of jager and some serious partying going on. And beer pong, because I've still never played that yet. Someone teach me how to play that stupid game, please?
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