I have hit my midlife crisis early. There's no denying it. And before you say, "...but Jennifer, you're only 29 years old. You can't be having a mid-life crisis". Well, yes I can. For math's sake, we will call it a 1/3 life crisis.
I am a long term relationship kind of girl. I was in a relationship my senior year of high school until I was 24, and then I was in another relationship from 24ish to now. Why is this important? Because, there's is a single Jennifer who is a little bit pissed off.
There is a single Jennifer? Yes. Inside every person is another person that they wish they had been or gotten to experience. My person is single and ready to mingle. (Did I just write that? ugh...) This single Jennifer hasn't made her move until about 6 weeks ago and she really messed with my head.
Single Jennifer tends to come out when I drink, especially when I drink A LOT, which rarely happens. And let me put this out there, this Jennifer does not fool around with anyone else. She just enjoys having a good time with her friends and letting loose, something that 29 year old Jenn doesn't do very often.
The internal struggle started innocently enough, when I started hanging out with good friends from high school. Young, single Jenn found this exciting. Then, it started to get worse. I began regretting things I hadn't done.
I had always played it safe my whole life. Throughout school and my professional life, I never broke the rules. I never cheated on a significant other and I never did anything that seemed risky. In all, I've only been in two serious relationships. When I decided to try new things this year that seemed exciting, single Jenn enjoyed the excitement and it only made her stronger.
Then I started objectifying everything that I missed out on with certain people. All of the missed relationship opportunities, all of the fun times I could have had, all of the bad life choices I could have done and learned from got associated with people. So, when I would hang out with these people, my mind would go on a crazy emotional roller coaster, with single Jenn trying to take over and my current self trying to tell her to shut up. I wanted to be happy in my current life but at this point, the other Jennifer had a pretty strong hold on my emotions. She wanted to live it up and she didn't want to let go anytime soon.
Then, last weekend, my two sides came to a head. After a fun night out with the girls, single Jennifer felt compelled to do something that she really shouldn't have. Old, unrequited feelings showed up and single Jennifer WANTED to act on them, in a bad way. I wanted to break the rules and get crazy. But, luckily, even after 6 (or 7) drinks, 29 year old Jennifer was still able to keep her in check, barely (and let's just say I have some really good friends). A full mental breakdown kind of ensued. The power play in my head really broke me down in a way I had never experienced before. I spent the weekend running "what ifs..?" in my head.
Then someone mentally bitch slapped me back into reality. And in all honesty, it took a few days to sink in. After talking to some of my friends about this internal struggle and Josh, I finally understood it.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Single Jenn needed to go or part of her needed to be integrated into my 29 year old self. There are things I didn't get to do, people I didn't get to date, parties I will never attend, but my life here isn't too shabby. I always thought that the grass was greener on the other side, with all of my friends being single. I wanted to party, flirt with boys, get hit on, and play the field because inn my group of friends, I am the only one that is married. But, after talking it over, I have it pretty good. And even intoxicated, I don't think I could ever ruin my wonderful friendships and my marriage to pursue other options.
I bet you are all wondering why I am sharing this story. It is embarrassing and doesn't make me out to be the best person. But by now, you should know that all of my blogs have a purpose, and this one is exceptionally poignant. I am being honest with you because keeping it in was making me lose my grip.
This can happen to the best of us. We all feel this way at some point or another. We all will regret things we haven't done or people we never dated or met. If you let that "other person" take control, it can send you spiraling down. It is best to be honest with ourselves and the people around us so that they can help us back on our path. And by being honest, we can truly see that the grass is greener on our side and we don't need what we never had.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Wiser words were never said.
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