Death is a morbid thing to think about but unfortunately, or fortunately, we all die some day. It could be tomorrow or it could be 80 years from now but we all end up the same way. When you reflect on your life over however many years you have lived, how will it be summed up? Will others mourn you and miss you or will your death not be noticed at all?
This thought has made me rethink how I live my life. Over the past few years (ok, the past 10 years), I have dealt with depression. I'm not talking about the occasional blues or the "everyone hates me" type of deal. It was the real thing. The depression was so severe at times that I thought about ending it all. That's a full disclosure for you. It started in high school from what I remember and has lasted this long. And I never did anything about it. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could will the depression away. But you can't just will it away. So, I just stayed angry and sad for 10 years. 10 long, loooong years of pushing people away and probably ruining more relationships than I can count.
Finally, I realized that I can't live in the dark anymore. I want to be a part of my children's lives and I want to be there mentally and enjoy my life. I spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and hatred that I was missing the most wonderful pieces of my children's childhood. I want to earn the name "mom" from my kids and I was not going to be a passive parent in their lives.
Fast forward to today. It has been a few months of some serious soul searching, therapy, medication, and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. There are still many, many issues that need to be addressed about multiple things. There are things I need to say to people and they will never be able to hear them. But, you know what? I am present in my life now. And I am not going to take it for granted because I refuse to be that woman that no one misses when she dies. I want to be a ray of sunshine that brightens up people's days and the shoulder to cry on if needed. I want to be that parent that is active in her children's lives. And when I die, whether it is tomorrow or 70 years from now, I want to be known for something other than my depression.
On a side note in the event that I do die, which isn't going to be anytime soon if I can help it, if you wear black to my funeral, I will come back and haunt you. There better be shots of jager and some serious partying going on. And beer pong, because I've still never played that yet. Someone teach me how to play that stupid game, please?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Just letting it all go.
The past is an interesting thing to think about. The past is what helps create who you are and yet there are times which you want to just be able to let it go. All of the events that a person goes through helps mold them into their present self. From the good to the bad, each event makes a mark in our brains.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Jennifer is not a stripper.
I have no idea why customers would think this, but to set the record straight... I am not a stripper. Never have been, never will be. So why do customers insist on throwing their money at me? Has common decency gone out the window and so now instead of handing me your $5 bill, you feel you must hurl it at me from across the counter. Or perhaps you would rather place your $5 in quarters and dimes on the counter so I have to pick every one of them up. I just don't get it. Treatment of people has gone down the toilet over the last 10 years. People feel entitled to get what they want while treating the people helping them like garbage. I have been in customer service for over 10 years and the things I have seen has me wondering what happened to people to make them so angry and bitter that they have to beat down the people helping them? There is this term, "The customer is always right" but let me tell you right now, the customer isn't always right. In this economy, some customers find every chance they can to cheat the system and there are times when I just have to say no. Especially where I work, I appreciate that they are willing to wait in line and pay $3-$5 for a drink and I will give them the best drink and customer service I can, but when they start to insult me or my employees, I draw the line. Same thing goes for cheating the system with refills and such. "Dude, I KNOW you did not get a coffee here this morning as it is 5:15 and we just opened 15 minutes ago. I can't give you a free refill."-as said to the man holding out his obviously used cup from many, many days ago. Don't these people realize that cheating the system makes everyone else pay more? I love my customers, especially my regulars. I was suprised yesterday morning at how many of their names I knew. It was great to go down the line and call them all by name. And the people I didn't know? I treated them like one of the regulars too! And I try to learn their name. I like making people feel appreciated and I would hope that they would do the same. Not all people are bad but there are a few bad apples. It just feels like as we get busier and busier, there is no time to be nice anymore. I am here to tell you right now that there is time to be nice. It is very possible. Even in my fast paced job where I deal with hundreds of customers, I am still able to provide great customer service. Be nice, people. It's just coffee and there are bigger fish to fry. And don't throw your money at me. I'm not a stripper. [end rant]
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Jennifer is on YouTube!
Ok, this was a FEEEEEW years ago, but I had to share. Don't mind the unflattering angle or the fact that I forgot the lyrics halfway through the song. The fact is that I got my butt up there with a LIVE band and sang a song I had only practiced for a week! It was for a competition to perform at the Rose Festival (I believe). It was called Big Band Karaoke.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfSMzovzYbg
A funny side note, the judging was based on audience applause. I, unfortunately, had only brought two other people with me. Some people brought 20+ people with them. The judge who had the "applause-o-meter" actually came up and told me that I should have won based on talent and that my "applause rating" was literally right under the top two finalists (who had brought with them an army of many, many friends). It made my night, even if I didn't win.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfSMzovzYbg
A funny side note, the judging was based on audience applause. I, unfortunately, had only brought two other people with me. Some people brought 20+ people with them. The judge who had the "applause-o-meter" actually came up and told me that I should have won based on talent and that my "applause rating" was literally right under the top two finalists (who had brought with them an army of many, many friends). It made my night, even if I didn't win.
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