I have hit my midlife crisis early. There's no denying it. And before you say, "...but Jennifer, you're only 29 years old. You can't be having a mid-life crisis". Well, yes I can. For math's sake, we will call it a 1/3 life crisis.
I am a long term relationship kind of girl. I was in a relationship my senior year of high school until I was 24, and then I was in another relationship from 24ish to now. Why is this important? Because, there's is a single Jennifer who is a little bit pissed off.
There is a single Jennifer? Yes. Inside every person is another person that they wish they had been or gotten to experience. My person is single and ready to mingle. (Did I just write that? ugh...) This single Jennifer hasn't made her move until about 6 weeks ago and she really messed with my head.
Single Jennifer tends to come out when I drink, especially when I drink A LOT, which rarely happens. And let me put this out there, this Jennifer does not fool around with anyone else. She just enjoys having a good time with her friends and letting loose, something that 29 year old Jenn doesn't do very often.
The internal struggle started innocently enough, when I started hanging out with good friends from high school. Young, single Jenn found this exciting. Then, it started to get worse. I began regretting things I hadn't done.
I had always played it safe my whole life. Throughout school and my professional life, I never broke the rules. I never cheated on a significant other and I never did anything that seemed risky. In all, I've only been in two serious relationships. When I decided to try new things this year that seemed exciting, single Jenn enjoyed the excitement and it only made her stronger.
Then I started objectifying everything that I missed out on with certain people. All of the missed relationship opportunities, all of the fun times I could have had, all of the bad life choices I could have done and learned from got associated with people. So, when I would hang out with these people, my mind would go on a crazy emotional roller coaster, with single Jenn trying to take over and my current self trying to tell her to shut up. I wanted to be happy in my current life but at this point, the other Jennifer had a pretty strong hold on my emotions. She wanted to live it up and she didn't want to let go anytime soon.
Then, last weekend, my two sides came to a head. After a fun night out with the girls, single Jennifer felt compelled to do something that she really shouldn't have. Old, unrequited feelings showed up and single Jennifer WANTED to act on them, in a bad way. I wanted to break the rules and get crazy. But, luckily, even after 6 (or 7) drinks, 29 year old Jennifer was still able to keep her in check, barely (and let's just say I have some really good friends). A full mental breakdown kind of ensued. The power play in my head really broke me down in a way I had never experienced before. I spent the weekend running "what ifs..?" in my head.
Then someone mentally bitch slapped me back into reality. And in all honesty, it took a few days to sink in. After talking to some of my friends about this internal struggle and Josh, I finally understood it.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Single Jenn needed to go or part of her needed to be integrated into my 29 year old self. There are things I didn't get to do, people I didn't get to date, parties I will never attend, but my life here isn't too shabby. I always thought that the grass was greener on the other side, with all of my friends being single. I wanted to party, flirt with boys, get hit on, and play the field because inn my group of friends, I am the only one that is married. But, after talking it over, I have it pretty good. And even intoxicated, I don't think I could ever ruin my wonderful friendships and my marriage to pursue other options.
I bet you are all wondering why I am sharing this story. It is embarrassing and doesn't make me out to be the best person. But by now, you should know that all of my blogs have a purpose, and this one is exceptionally poignant. I am being honest with you because keeping it in was making me lose my grip.
This can happen to the best of us. We all feel this way at some point or another. We all will regret things we haven't done or people we never dated or met. If you let that "other person" take control, it can send you spiraling down. It is best to be honest with ourselves and the people around us so that they can help us back on our path. And by being honest, we can truly see that the grass is greener on our side and we don't need what we never had.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Wiser words were never said.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Let's talk about friends baby, let's talk about you and me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.
(because inserting the Friends theme song just didn't fit my style.)
Soooo... after kind of emptying all of the craziness running around in my head yesterday, someone snapped me back into reality (Thank you Jenna).
It is amazing how friends help you, especially in your biggest time of need. And my friend had a point, I am not broken. The phrase should have been, I WAS broken, and I have a lot of people to thank for helping me pick up all of the pieces this year.
The last year in my 20s has been a very interesting one, and probably the best year! I have made so many new friends this year and found some from a long time ago that I really missed. I've been introduced to so many new things and done so many new things that I never thought I would ever do. Who do I have to thank for that? My amazing friends.
You know the phrase... Love is a many splendid thing
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Well, replace love with the word "friends" and it is still as true (the grammar may just be a little off, just go with it).
My friends are awesome and while there are so many to thank, I'll leave it a little generic so that no one feels left out... because I love you all.
Thank you for...
Introducing me to some delicious baked goods.
Teaching me about cars and fashion.
Getting me excited about running a 10K (even if I was too hungover to run).
Coming over for game night and yelling obscenities during Taboo.
Going with me to a place I had on my 30 year bucket list ;)
Drinking all my leftover beer when I absolutely hated it.
Teaching me beer pong.
Motivating me when I thought I had nothing left to give.
Listening to me rant when that's all I needed to do.
Dressing up for the many ridiculous theme parties I hosted.
Getting amazingly smashed and having a lot of fun.
and...
Thank you to everyone that stood beside me this year. I had cancer removed, another cancer scare on my skin, and a mental health diagnosis. This year I have been all over the map with my ups and downs and you were there to help me through it.
Thank you. I could not have done it without you. =)
(because inserting the Friends theme song just didn't fit my style.)
Soooo... after kind of emptying all of the craziness running around in my head yesterday, someone snapped me back into reality (Thank you Jenna).
It is amazing how friends help you, especially in your biggest time of need. And my friend had a point, I am not broken. The phrase should have been, I WAS broken, and I have a lot of people to thank for helping me pick up all of the pieces this year.
The last year in my 20s has been a very interesting one, and probably the best year! I have made so many new friends this year and found some from a long time ago that I really missed. I've been introduced to so many new things and done so many new things that I never thought I would ever do. Who do I have to thank for that? My amazing friends.
You know the phrase... Love is a many splendid thing
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Well, replace love with the word "friends" and it is still as true (the grammar may just be a little off, just go with it).
My friends are awesome and while there are so many to thank, I'll leave it a little generic so that no one feels left out... because I love you all.
Thank you for...
Introducing me to some delicious baked goods.
Teaching me about cars and fashion.
Getting me excited about running a 10K (even if I was too hungover to run).
Coming over for game night and yelling obscenities during Taboo.
Going with me to a place I had on my 30 year bucket list ;)
Drinking all my leftover beer when I absolutely hated it.
Teaching me beer pong.
Motivating me when I thought I had nothing left to give.
Listening to me rant when that's all I needed to do.
Dressing up for the many ridiculous theme parties I hosted.
Getting amazingly smashed and having a lot of fun.
and...
Thank you to everyone that stood beside me this year. I had cancer removed, another cancer scare on my skin, and a mental health diagnosis. This year I have been all over the map with my ups and downs and you were there to help me through it.
Thank you. I could not have done it without you. =)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
It's about hard work.
I have never been one to take the easy way out of things. While I would like to, it just doesn't seem fair to bend the rules to make my life easier. Throughout my life, I have struggled with my weight, mostly due to depression. I've gone up and down on the scale but I've never quite been able to control it, until now.
But, I'm not talking about my weight loss struggle. I'm talking about applying yourself and following through. I recently saw on my Facebook feed that someone was going in and getting a consultation for a medical weight loss procedure. Totally fine, right? I am all about people bettering themselves. If you feel that it is what you need, then go right ahead. What pushed me over the edge was what I saw next. This person then went to a fast food place for breakfast and checked in on Facebook. Seriously?!?
First things first, a medical procedure should be a LAST RESORT when it comes to weight loss. For instance, my former mother-in-law has tried everything under the sun when it came to weight loss. She was like me, up and down on the scale, and finally, later on in her years (I won't reveal her age), she got a lap band. And she is successful because she knows how to do it right. She knows about nutrition and she has lost a tremendous amount of weight and kept it off. And she deserves this. She is an amazing woman and looks hot! (You go gurl!)
If a person isn't putting forth the effort in the first place to lose weight, then they will not be able to keep it off even after a medical procedure. It is about HABITS! Sure, a lap band will make you eat less, but if all you eat is junk, then you aren't going to lose weight. It's about the right type of calories! 300 calories of vegetables and protein are used much differently than 300 calories of a cheeseburger.
And yes, I know I have no room to talk but I work hard to lose my weight. I know what I need to do and I do it (or sometimes I don't). But, a person must apply themselves to lose weight and not take the easy way out. A medical procedure will not change habits. While it might change someone's weight temporarily, if a person isn't willing to change their lifestyle, then they will fall into the same trap.
If taking the easy way out was actually the best choice, I'm sure everyone would do it. The truth is, it may seem great in the beginning but it always comes back to bite you in the butt. I probably don't know the whole story about this person but if I can do it (like I am doing now), anyone can do it.
*end rant*
But, I'm not talking about my weight loss struggle. I'm talking about applying yourself and following through. I recently saw on my Facebook feed that someone was going in and getting a consultation for a medical weight loss procedure. Totally fine, right? I am all about people bettering themselves. If you feel that it is what you need, then go right ahead. What pushed me over the edge was what I saw next. This person then went to a fast food place for breakfast and checked in on Facebook. Seriously?!?
First things first, a medical procedure should be a LAST RESORT when it comes to weight loss. For instance, my former mother-in-law has tried everything under the sun when it came to weight loss. She was like me, up and down on the scale, and finally, later on in her years (I won't reveal her age), she got a lap band. And she is successful because she knows how to do it right. She knows about nutrition and she has lost a tremendous amount of weight and kept it off. And she deserves this. She is an amazing woman and looks hot! (You go gurl!)
If a person isn't putting forth the effort in the first place to lose weight, then they will not be able to keep it off even after a medical procedure. It is about HABITS! Sure, a lap band will make you eat less, but if all you eat is junk, then you aren't going to lose weight. It's about the right type of calories! 300 calories of vegetables and protein are used much differently than 300 calories of a cheeseburger.
And yes, I know I have no room to talk but I work hard to lose my weight. I know what I need to do and I do it (or sometimes I don't). But, a person must apply themselves to lose weight and not take the easy way out. A medical procedure will not change habits. While it might change someone's weight temporarily, if a person isn't willing to change their lifestyle, then they will fall into the same trap.
If taking the easy way out was actually the best choice, I'm sure everyone would do it. The truth is, it may seem great in the beginning but it always comes back to bite you in the butt. I probably don't know the whole story about this person but if I can do it (like I am doing now), anyone can do it.
*end rant*
Monday, October 1, 2012
I'll never be Beyonce.
As much as I will myself, it just won't happen. Most people are unsatisfied with who they are or how they look. I guess it is just human nature to want to change for the better. The unfortunate situation is that most people have unrealistic expectations and they cannot embrace themselves the way they are.
The last 29 years I have been unhappy with myself for once reason or another. Genetically, I am a lady with curves. It's completely unavoidable. Even when I lost weight I would still be curvy. Ladies who don't have boobs always want them and ladies with boobs want them smaller. I was in the latter group. Ever since I was in middle school I was on diets. I'd lose weight, get comfortable and gain it all back. It was a rollercoaster of weight. Then there comes the emotional highs and lows that come with weight loss. I'd feel great when I lost it and devastated when I gained it back. And that is what happened. Every. time.
And as if that wasn't enough of a pain, trying to compare myself to other women was a nightmare. As a teenager, girls are put through so much stress trying to look like the women in magazines,on television, or in movies. This is especially stressful for girls who deal with body issues. We put so much effort into trying to fit the "mold" and when it doesn't happen, it can mentally harm us.
I spent the last 29 years trying to fit that mold, worrying about what other people thought of how I looked. And it is stressful. I will never be as thin as those girls in the magazine. I will never have supermodel looks or legs to die for. But I really tried. I tried everything short of bulimia to be thinner, from crash diets and fad diets to not eating. And the only reason I stopped at bulimia is that I couldn't make myself throw up if I tried (and I tried). The pressure to be thin was starting to wear me down. Until this year.
This was the year I was determined to find happiness. I started by cutting people out of my life that were a negative influence. Then I challenged myself to a bucket list of things I have never done which needed to be completed before I turned 30. Then I took a deep look at myself. Why was I always focusing on the negative? Then I challenged myself to look in the mirror and say ten things I liked about myself. 1. I am determined and a hard worker.
2. I love my freckles.
3. I love the gray hair that I have (thanks genetics!)
4. My ass looks good in jeans, even if it is Beyonce sized. ;)
5. I love my eye color.
6. Mother nature blessed me with a nice chest area. ;)
7. I've got the moves like Jagger.
8. I have a great singing voice.
9. I like my small chin. It gives me character.
10. I love my shape.
So, I could focus on the fact that I think I have fat thighs or large feet and stress about it all day long, or I can embrace the body that I was given and flaunt my Jagger-esque moves.
Life is too short to obsess about your body. You are only given one and if you only focus on the negative, then you are missing out on all of the positive. This is one thing that has opened up my eyes to finding true happiness. I don't need to worry about what other people think. If I am comfortable and happy with myself, I will exude confidence.
I will never be a supermodel with legs to die for. I will never look like those women in the magazines. But, you know what? I can handle that. The world can have their supermodels and actresses. There is only one Jenn. And I enjoy being unique with my perfectly flawed body. As long as I am comfortable with myself, it doesn't matter what others think. And when I am happy with my body, I am happy with myself. That's all that matters.
Ladies, embrace your body. You only get one. Don't waste your time trying to make it look like someone else's body. Embrace your curves, lack of curves, uniqueness, and your perfect flaws.
As a parting gift, I am leaving you with four quotes that sum up this post.
Having a low opinion of yourself is not "modesty". It's self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not "egotism". It's a necessary precondition to happiness and success. ~Bobbe Sommer.
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you will ever own. ~Mary Schmich
So long as you are still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself. ~Neale Donald Walsch
The last 29 years I have been unhappy with myself for once reason or another. Genetically, I am a lady with curves. It's completely unavoidable. Even when I lost weight I would still be curvy. Ladies who don't have boobs always want them and ladies with boobs want them smaller. I was in the latter group. Ever since I was in middle school I was on diets. I'd lose weight, get comfortable and gain it all back. It was a rollercoaster of weight. Then there comes the emotional highs and lows that come with weight loss. I'd feel great when I lost it and devastated when I gained it back. And that is what happened. Every. time.
And as if that wasn't enough of a pain, trying to compare myself to other women was a nightmare. As a teenager, girls are put through so much stress trying to look like the women in magazines,on television, or in movies. This is especially stressful for girls who deal with body issues. We put so much effort into trying to fit the "mold" and when it doesn't happen, it can mentally harm us.
I spent the last 29 years trying to fit that mold, worrying about what other people thought of how I looked. And it is stressful. I will never be as thin as those girls in the magazine. I will never have supermodel looks or legs to die for. But I really tried. I tried everything short of bulimia to be thinner, from crash diets and fad diets to not eating. And the only reason I stopped at bulimia is that I couldn't make myself throw up if I tried (and I tried). The pressure to be thin was starting to wear me down. Until this year.
This was the year I was determined to find happiness. I started by cutting people out of my life that were a negative influence. Then I challenged myself to a bucket list of things I have never done which needed to be completed before I turned 30. Then I took a deep look at myself. Why was I always focusing on the negative? Then I challenged myself to look in the mirror and say ten things I liked about myself. 1. I am determined and a hard worker.
2. I love my freckles.
3. I love the gray hair that I have (thanks genetics!)
4. My ass looks good in jeans, even if it is Beyonce sized. ;)
5. I love my eye color.
6. Mother nature blessed me with a nice chest area. ;)
7. I've got the moves like Jagger.
8. I have a great singing voice.
9. I like my small chin. It gives me character.
10. I love my shape.
So, I could focus on the fact that I think I have fat thighs or large feet and stress about it all day long, or I can embrace the body that I was given and flaunt my Jagger-esque moves.
Life is too short to obsess about your body. You are only given one and if you only focus on the negative, then you are missing out on all of the positive. This is one thing that has opened up my eyes to finding true happiness. I don't need to worry about what other people think. If I am comfortable and happy with myself, I will exude confidence.
I will never be a supermodel with legs to die for. I will never look like those women in the magazines. But, you know what? I can handle that. The world can have their supermodels and actresses. There is only one Jenn. And I enjoy being unique with my perfectly flawed body. As long as I am comfortable with myself, it doesn't matter what others think. And when I am happy with my body, I am happy with myself. That's all that matters.
Ladies, embrace your body. You only get one. Don't waste your time trying to make it look like someone else's body. Embrace your curves, lack of curves, uniqueness, and your perfect flaws.
As a parting gift, I am leaving you with four quotes that sum up this post.
Having a low opinion of yourself is not "modesty". It's self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not "egotism". It's a necessary precondition to happiness and success. ~Bobbe Sommer.
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you will ever own. ~Mary Schmich
So long as you are still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself. ~Neale Donald Walsch
Where have you been all my life?
High School was a bitch. And I'm not saying that because I had a horrible time in high school. What I am talking about is the drama. The drama that really kind of messed up a few relationships.
So, perhaps I should be saying that drama is a bitch. The drama in high school was a double whammy right to the gut. I'm sure we can all relate at one point or another. Looking back at it all, ten years later, we were all idiots. Our actions were fueled by crazy hormones, making us irrational in our choices. Things that were big deals back in high school are now looked upon as stupid, irrational thinking. As I look back now, I see all of the stupid mistakes I made along the way. While I don't regret most of them, as it has made me into what I am, I do wish I had make some different choices when it came to friends.
I've had the privilege of reconnecting with two people from high school. Two people I probably should have stayed friends with the whole time but due to drama, those relationships fell apart.
In high school, boyfriend drama caused a lot of problems. This is where it all starts, folks. Boys. They are trouble. Mix hormonal girls into it and it is a recipe for chaos. A truly strong friendship can fall apart when a good friend dates another friend's ex-boyfriend, because in high school land, that makes a girl go cray cray. And that girl was me. I'll admit it. I was really stupid in high school and when my one good friend started dating my ex-boyfriend, things started to go south. First off, while I may have broken up with the guy, I literally had a crush on him for four freaking years before we dated. Why...? I don't know. So, even though I broke up with him, it was harder to break my mind of that "crush" mindset. So, I started keeping my distance from her. To me, it was a betrayal. Hindsight is 20/20, so looking back I just shake my head in disgust. Stupid hormones causing issues.
So, time goes by and finally we reconnect. There have been many discussions about our "falling out" of sorts. Luckily, we have been able to pick up our friendship like we left it, but without all of the boy drama. I think we are better friends now. Maturity is a great thing. 10 years will make a big difference.
This brings me to friendship #2. We will call him the boy next door because technically he kind of was. Starting in 8th grade, the boy next door and I rode the same school bus together. Living out in the country, the school bus ride wasn't short by any means. It gave us a lot of time to get to know each other. He was one of those guys that I probably should have dated, but instead, I dated two of his good friends. Yeah, like I said, I am an idiot. Of course, he wasn't on my radar for that sort of relationship until much later in high school. Ladies, don't ever spend 4 years crushing on just one boy. It makes you blind to other options. Trust me. Anyways, once we stopped riding the bus together and I dated two of his friends, the friendship kind of dissolved. Before that, we had a lot of fun times and probably one of the more true friendships I had in high school as it was formed outside of the high school drama.
About 6 months ago, on a whim of sorts, we started hanging out. Other friend, myself, and him ran a 10K. (Ok, they RAN it. I was hungover so I ran/walked it.)It was kind of like starting our friendship over again. After a few more outings, I start to mentally kick myself for losing this friendship in the first place.
The lesson of this story...? Don't get dragged down by drama. It will ruin perfectly good relationships. I was lucky enough to be able to recover the few important ones I lost.
The second lesson of the story... the stuff you see as a big deal in high school really isn't. If you are in high school now, trust me. You will look back and wonder what in the world you were thinking. But, it happens to everyone, so don't feel too bad.
The third lesson... never be obsessed with one boy for 4 years. It won't turn out well. And you will be regretting all the stuff you missed out on.
So, perhaps I should be saying that drama is a bitch. The drama in high school was a double whammy right to the gut. I'm sure we can all relate at one point or another. Looking back at it all, ten years later, we were all idiots. Our actions were fueled by crazy hormones, making us irrational in our choices. Things that were big deals back in high school are now looked upon as stupid, irrational thinking. As I look back now, I see all of the stupid mistakes I made along the way. While I don't regret most of them, as it has made me into what I am, I do wish I had make some different choices when it came to friends.
I've had the privilege of reconnecting with two people from high school. Two people I probably should have stayed friends with the whole time but due to drama, those relationships fell apart.
In high school, boyfriend drama caused a lot of problems. This is where it all starts, folks. Boys. They are trouble. Mix hormonal girls into it and it is a recipe for chaos. A truly strong friendship can fall apart when a good friend dates another friend's ex-boyfriend, because in high school land, that makes a girl go cray cray. And that girl was me. I'll admit it. I was really stupid in high school and when my one good friend started dating my ex-boyfriend, things started to go south. First off, while I may have broken up with the guy, I literally had a crush on him for four freaking years before we dated. Why...? I don't know. So, even though I broke up with him, it was harder to break my mind of that "crush" mindset. So, I started keeping my distance from her. To me, it was a betrayal. Hindsight is 20/20, so looking back I just shake my head in disgust. Stupid hormones causing issues.
So, time goes by and finally we reconnect. There have been many discussions about our "falling out" of sorts. Luckily, we have been able to pick up our friendship like we left it, but without all of the boy drama. I think we are better friends now. Maturity is a great thing. 10 years will make a big difference.
This brings me to friendship #2. We will call him the boy next door because technically he kind of was. Starting in 8th grade, the boy next door and I rode the same school bus together. Living out in the country, the school bus ride wasn't short by any means. It gave us a lot of time to get to know each other. He was one of those guys that I probably should have dated, but instead, I dated two of his good friends. Yeah, like I said, I am an idiot. Of course, he wasn't on my radar for that sort of relationship until much later in high school. Ladies, don't ever spend 4 years crushing on just one boy. It makes you blind to other options. Trust me. Anyways, once we stopped riding the bus together and I dated two of his friends, the friendship kind of dissolved. Before that, we had a lot of fun times and probably one of the more true friendships I had in high school as it was formed outside of the high school drama.
About 6 months ago, on a whim of sorts, we started hanging out. Other friend, myself, and him ran a 10K. (Ok, they RAN it. I was hungover so I ran/walked it.)It was kind of like starting our friendship over again. After a few more outings, I start to mentally kick myself for losing this friendship in the first place.
The lesson of this story...? Don't get dragged down by drama. It will ruin perfectly good relationships. I was lucky enough to be able to recover the few important ones I lost.
The second lesson of the story... the stuff you see as a big deal in high school really isn't. If you are in high school now, trust me. You will look back and wonder what in the world you were thinking. But, it happens to everyone, so don't feel too bad.
The third lesson... never be obsessed with one boy for 4 years. It won't turn out well. And you will be regretting all the stuff you missed out on.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
What will they say about you when you die?
Death is a morbid thing to think about but unfortunately, or fortunately, we all die some day. It could be tomorrow or it could be 80 years from now but we all end up the same way. When you reflect on your life over however many years you have lived, how will it be summed up? Will others mourn you and miss you or will your death not be noticed at all?
This thought has made me rethink how I live my life. Over the past few years (ok, the past 10 years), I have dealt with depression. I'm not talking about the occasional blues or the "everyone hates me" type of deal. It was the real thing. The depression was so severe at times that I thought about ending it all. That's a full disclosure for you. It started in high school from what I remember and has lasted this long. And I never did anything about it. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could will the depression away. But you can't just will it away. So, I just stayed angry and sad for 10 years. 10 long, loooong years of pushing people away and probably ruining more relationships than I can count.
Finally, I realized that I can't live in the dark anymore. I want to be a part of my children's lives and I want to be there mentally and enjoy my life. I spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and hatred that I was missing the most wonderful pieces of my children's childhood. I want to earn the name "mom" from my kids and I was not going to be a passive parent in their lives.
Fast forward to today. It has been a few months of some serious soul searching, therapy, medication, and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. There are still many, many issues that need to be addressed about multiple things. There are things I need to say to people and they will never be able to hear them. But, you know what? I am present in my life now. And I am not going to take it for granted because I refuse to be that woman that no one misses when she dies. I want to be a ray of sunshine that brightens up people's days and the shoulder to cry on if needed. I want to be that parent that is active in her children's lives. And when I die, whether it is tomorrow or 70 years from now, I want to be known for something other than my depression.
On a side note in the event that I do die, which isn't going to be anytime soon if I can help it, if you wear black to my funeral, I will come back and haunt you. There better be shots of jager and some serious partying going on. And beer pong, because I've still never played that yet. Someone teach me how to play that stupid game, please?
This thought has made me rethink how I live my life. Over the past few years (ok, the past 10 years), I have dealt with depression. I'm not talking about the occasional blues or the "everyone hates me" type of deal. It was the real thing. The depression was so severe at times that I thought about ending it all. That's a full disclosure for you. It started in high school from what I remember and has lasted this long. And I never did anything about it. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could will the depression away. But you can't just will it away. So, I just stayed angry and sad for 10 years. 10 long, loooong years of pushing people away and probably ruining more relationships than I can count.
Finally, I realized that I can't live in the dark anymore. I want to be a part of my children's lives and I want to be there mentally and enjoy my life. I spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and hatred that I was missing the most wonderful pieces of my children's childhood. I want to earn the name "mom" from my kids and I was not going to be a passive parent in their lives.
Fast forward to today. It has been a few months of some serious soul searching, therapy, medication, and a lot of crying. A LOT of crying. There are still many, many issues that need to be addressed about multiple things. There are things I need to say to people and they will never be able to hear them. But, you know what? I am present in my life now. And I am not going to take it for granted because I refuse to be that woman that no one misses when she dies. I want to be a ray of sunshine that brightens up people's days and the shoulder to cry on if needed. I want to be that parent that is active in her children's lives. And when I die, whether it is tomorrow or 70 years from now, I want to be known for something other than my depression.
On a side note in the event that I do die, which isn't going to be anytime soon if I can help it, if you wear black to my funeral, I will come back and haunt you. There better be shots of jager and some serious partying going on. And beer pong, because I've still never played that yet. Someone teach me how to play that stupid game, please?
Just letting it all go.
The past is an interesting thing to think about. The past is what helps create who you are and yet there are times which you want to just be able to let it go. All of the events that a person goes through helps mold them into their present self. From the good to the bad, each event makes a mark in our brains.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
We often try to relive moments in our youth by holding on to the past. While these memories can sometimes be wonderful to revisit, they often keep us from becoming who we were destined to be.
These events can also be manifested through people as well. People naturally want to be attached to others, even if the event they shared was in the distant past. When people hold on to those that are not involved in their life they have a hard time moving on and this is the case with me.
Facebook is one of the tools that keep people connected. We are often voyeurs in other people's lives through Facebook. We invite people we knew, know, or barely met into our personal lives by displaying it all on our Facebook page and this is where the problem began.
These past few months I have been struggling with letting go of people who choose not to be a part of my life. It started off as a family argument, manifesting itself into a war of emails and finally resulting in a complete cut-off. These family members were not a part of my life, as they had chosen that path years ago, but they still chose to be Facebook friends with me to keep "tabs" on me and to peek into my life. They had not met my children but they were still able to be involved in their life through this website. That is when I realized that people didn't need to be peeking into my life if they aren't going to actively participate. I don't need voyeurs with a free pass into my personal life. If they are not going to participate, then they shouldn't be my "friend".
So, the deleting began. It started off with the family that I cut off. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, like ripping off a band-aid, I did it quickly and the pain went away with time. Then I started taking a closer look at my friends list. There were people on my list that I had never met in real life or people from my past that never talked to me. I knew I had to make a change. So, I started off deleting people who I had never met. After that, I looked at the people from my past. Who was I holding on to just to relive moments that I cherished? These people were not currently involved in my life and while I may cherish the memories I have with them, it was time to let them go. People from high school were deleted, old boyfriends (why I added them to begin with, I'll never understand), acquaintances, and more family. In all, over 150 people were deleted. Once I was done, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I had done it. I cut the cord to my past. And I'm not going to lie, deleting some people were some of the hardest decisions I ever made. My brain wanted to hold on to those memories of the good, reliving high school moments, the boyfriends, and my younger crazy years but I knew that it was time to move forward. I spent my entire 20s dwelling on my past. For my 30s, it was time to look to the future.
If people want to be part of your life, they will be. For instance, I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school and it is almost like that time never passed. I will definitely give her credit. She showed up during one of my tougher times and stuck in there. You definitely know someone is a true friend when they stick with you through the tough times and not just the great times. Sure, we may not get to hang out as much due to the fact that we both have busy schedules but I cherish the time I do get to spend with her.
This whole year has brought me a treasure of new friends that I get to mix in with the old. Of course, I didn't delete everyone from my past as there are a few people that I felt weren't deserving of deleting, even if we haven't talked in a while. Perhaps I wish they were a part of my life still and I know that if they were, it wouldn't be a negative thing.
Long story short, sometimes the past holds you back. Sometimes the past lifts you up. And sometimes you need to let go of the past to help create a better future. I am thankful for all of the memories, but it is time to create some new ones.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)